before you all go on to reading my long and wordy entry, here's song to share.



training on monday sucked. disappointed with everything that has to do with myself and tabletennis. it was the most demoralizing day i've had ever.

i played three singles matches. of which, i lost two of them. both i fought at with my dear life to draw at 2-2, leading the last set, but losing the game. really lost it. it's kind of like climbing up a pithole. when i'm almost out, the final pull to get myself out of the hole loosens the soil causing the wall of the hole to collapse. and, i fall back down again.

one AfNuGcRkY word.

my morale got so low that i desperately messaged handsomeboy. and in the end, we met up around 1 or 2am so that he could train me. very touched by his actions and words.

handsomeboy, he is like a mentor to me in life, a coach to me in tabletennis, a total sweetheart to me in love. very thankful that he's in my life for this one year plus. in fact, one year and eight months today. i've said many times already, i don't know what'll happen to me without him.

after the training, i was so beat that i fell asleep straight when i closed my eyes.

well, first POL-ITEs today against nyp was a disaster to me. you know, after struggling to get that gold in east zones during my secondary school days, i dread for the same to repeat again. and it sucks to have put in so much effort just to get disappointed.

ok, maybe i'm just being a bitch since i did win my match though the team lost 2-3 in overall. but thinking again, even though i won, it wasn't that glorifying anyway. i won their lousiest player, so?

hurts me bad to see my teammates lose to the opponents while i had it easy. fine, call me fake if you want, like how hurt can i feel over a few people who i've barely known for six months? i don't know. i just don't like the feeling of the team losing la.

debrief to be honest, sucked big time. i remembered last time in ahs while under lin jL, he'd scold us so bad if something like this were to happen. and i would always think, we deserved it since we didn't win. even if we did win, and lin jL still scolded us, it would be that we didn't perform up to expectations.

at least, i felt that we were at the wrong. and we will buck up and perform even better in the next match.

but today, all we got, was some encouraging speech. it didn't feel sad, it didn't make us feel like we did something wrong. instead, it felt as though we won the game. and seriously, being so soft on us, i don't think it works.

maybe i'm a sadist. like when i do something wrong, i want to get scolded, beaten whatever. at least i know clearly, i AM at fault. and i WON'T let it happen again. if you just say,

"it's ok. everyone makes mistakes. just don't do it again."

i promise you, i'll do the same wrong again.

being hard on ourselves is something that helps us mature in our mentality for our game. it is essential. being overly hard on ourselves like self-inflicting punishments is erm, not what i mean la.

sigh. what's a freshman to have say in the team?

personally i felt my performance today was not that up to standard yet. passable, just not good enough. maybe being the first singles to play, i didn't put up an inspiring show that'll hype up my teammates. i guess everyone has a part on today's defeat.

playing against sp tomorrow. i hope everyone will self-evaluate today's performance and hopefully not make the same mistakes again. i want the medal very much. i hope all of us do.

let's play our best from now onwards. be it win or lose, just do your very best. so that when you win, it's satisfactory. or when you lose, it's with no regrets. buck up everyone!

♥ 1:04 AM